Who's Wedding Is It Anyway?

Shortly before I proposed to Kelly, we had begun talking about weddings. We both had the feeling that this relationship was inevitably going in that direction and, as such, were "engaged-to-be-engaged" for a good month or so before I actually picked up the ring.

When we initially talked about the Big Day, we didn't get into many specifics. Kelly isn't one who has been planning her wedding since childhood (that's one of the things I love about her) and my experience from weddings comes from television and the movies, which means it usually involves a daffy priest and accommodations for a last-minute dash to the altar. But one thing we had talked about pretty early on was that, as we are both low-key, private individuals, we'd like to have a small wedding.

The wedding is in a little over four months. About 200 people will be there. The reception's going to take place at a castle.

I say that not as a complaint. Kelly didn't suddenly turn into a Bridezilla who wanted a super wedding and I'm not upset at all that our wedding dinner is going to be surrounded by tapestries and suits of armor; I think it's kind of cool, actually.

The real reason for the big wedding is this realization: we have to invite people.

I understand that our wedding day is a day to plan as we wish. It's not our job to entertain people or give them a good show. As she's prepared for the wedding, I've encouraged Kelly to remember that she can use the phrase "this day is all about me" and to remind everyone involved that they are her "help" for the next four months. It's our wedding; not their party. As the groom, I want Kelly to have the most beautiful wedding possible. So, in essence, in my way of thinking, this day is her day and it's all about her.

But we have to invite people. I know this, because I've double-checked.

The truth is, Kelly and I would probably be just as happy and satisfied delivering our vows in front of a pastor in a small chapel, or even in a courtroom. As fun as it is to book a DJ and think about flowers, music, food and all the fun things a wedding brings, we both realize that the marriage is more important than the wedding.

But guests demand entertainment. And, like Russell Crowe, I plan to be pacing the floor at the end of the evening demanding "are you not entertained?"

Tongue is fully in cheek, of course. The true reason for the wedding growing to the size it has is simply because there are so many people that Kelly and I cannot even dream of leaving out of this celebration. We both recognize that large parts of who we are are due to the people who've been involved in our lives. We've been shaped by churches we've attended, the jobs we've held, the friends we've laughed with and the family we've grown up in. There are people I haven't seen in years who I hope show up at our wedding because, although we've grown apart, so much of my life was shaped by the relationship we had.

We're having a good sized wedding because we've been blessed to be surrounded by great people throughout our lives. If a wedding is to be a celebration of the lives Kelly and I have had before meeting each other, it would be incomplete to celebrate without so many of those people. And so the list grows, the entertainment is booked, the food is cooked because this is an event that Kelly and I want to enjoy with our closest friends and family.

Obviously, the involvement of so many people can pose headaches. There are social expectations people have of weddings that I still don't understand. And yes, there are people who will be on the guest list who Kelly and I don't even really know, but have squeaked in under the "friend of the family" loophole. I don't understand all the social politics over weddings. I don't understand why people can hold grudges about being invited or not invited--we once knew someone who held a year-long grudge because she didn't get a thank you note. As with any event that gathers people together, there are headaches and complications. And I'm sure that will be the topic of a blog in the future :-)

But for right now, I want to focus on why I'm happy and excited to be having a big wedding.

I know there are some people who feel it's wrong to have a large wedding (and, to be fair, our wedding is not going to be huge: it's a good size). They feel it's egotistical, greedy and more focused on the event than the marriage itself. They feel it loses place of the solemnity of the event and its intimacy.

And sure, all those things are possible, although I would also argue that they could equally occur in a small wedding.

But as I was taking a walk tonight, I reflected on why I think a large wedding is a good thing.

Marriage is a drama of God's love for the Church. I'm learning more and more about what that means as I prepare for the wedding. There is a depth and gravity towards the commitment Kelly and I are making to each other before God that I'm sure will be the focus of several blog entries. I feel like I'm just scratching the surface of what this all means and what the responsibility is before me as a husband--I'm sure the rest of my life will be spent getting a closer look at that.

But one thing I thought about was how God has the Church live this out. He doesn't call for His followers to go into hiding, isolate themselves from the rest of the world and adopt a monastic lifestyle.

Rather, Christ puts the Church out there in the world so that His followers can live out this relationship in full view of everyone. He puts it on display, inviting the world to watch and see how great He is. He wants His bride to be seen as a beautiful and radiant, and for the world to be jealous for her. He wants to be seen as a loving, committed groom so that others will want to be part of that relationship. He puts this relationship front and center and invites the whole world to watch.

A wedding is a dramatization--an imperfect one, to be sure--of what God is doing with the Church. Kelly and I come together not just so people can see how beautiful she is in her dress or so other people can have some good food. People come together to see our love in action, to see us committing to one another. And also, in that moment, we have the opportunity to point people past ourselves to the God who brought us together and who--in Heaven--is our true Husband.

At our wedding, there will be believers and non-believers. And one thing Kelly and I have been adamant about from the start of our wedding preparations is that our ceremony glorify God and be conducted with a worshipful, God-honoring heart. We want people to see that we have a love rooted in the Gospel and that our commitment to each other is only possible because of a God who strengthens and encourages us. We want people to realize that we are not just committing to each other, but are committing ourselves to God to honor Him with our marriage, our family and our future. We want the world to see that because we want them to see how beautiful and wonderful Christ is as well.

And for that, I'd invite the whole world.

But I hope you understand that I can't. You know; because of the castle and everything.

---CW

The Three Words

It's funny how three words can become the theme for a relationship.

Obviously, the most notorious--and important--three words between two people are "I love you." I wouldn't be getting married to Kelly had we not said those words to each other and were able to back them up with our actions and commitment to each other. As someone who second-guesses everything and is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, hearing Kelly say "I love you" back to me for the first time was one of the most meaningful phrases I've ever heard. When we fight and are at our wits' end with each other, "I love you" is the phrase that keeps us going and remembering why we put up with each others' flaws and failures. And "I love you" is the reminder as to why we're spending so much of our time and money preparing a wedding and a life together.

"I love you" is a hard phrase to say, particularly the first time you say it to another person. I knew I was in love with Kelly about a week before I ever told her. I had worried about it and thought it over for a whole week before venturing to say the words to her--wondering if I should just end the entire affair to avoid the eventual heartbreak I'd receive or if I should just bite the bullet and tell her how I felt.

In the long run, I don't know if telling Kelly that I loved her just shy of three months into our relationship was the best thing to do--we were both new at this and, although we both were feeling strong emotions and knew we wanted to continue on wherever this was taking us, I think we'd both admit now that that early in the relationship we probably weren't really in love as much as we were strongly "in like" with each other. Through God's grace, we were able to stick with the relationship and learn just how much deeper love went than we were at and it's our love for each other that has helped us be patient when we're at our worst with each other.

"I love you" has been a strong backbone for our relationship. Saying it and having it said back to me was the one of the most freeing things in my life. It meant someone accepted me and was committed to doing life with me. I try not to ever be flippant when I tell Kelly I love her and I try to make sure I say it even when it sounds weird and just bubbles out of me. They are three very good words to say and have said back to you.

But as Kelly and I prepare for marriage and look to leave our lives as singles behind, I'm learning that there are three other words that are starting to define much of my life.

"I don't know."

I've remarked quite a bit about just how the gravity of knowing marriage is imminent is affecting me. While I may not be the biggest success in the world, I do have to admit that I think I've become quite accustomed to life as a single man and I've learned how to navigate it fairly well. I have a set routine for when I clean the house, go grocery shopping, take out the trash and pay my bills. If something goes wrong, I know how to solve the problem. If a decision needs to be made, I know how to make that decision and prepare for its impact on my life because, as a single man, I'm the only one impacted by it. I've grown nestled and comfortable with this single life and, while I'm ready to give it up, the truth is that there is a bit of fear in relinquishing what has become so comfortable and second nature to me.

As I prepare for marriage in less than five months (!), I realize I'm standing on the threshold of a life that is going to be utterly foreign to me in many regards. I'm moving about an hour away from family and friends, which means it will just be Kelly and myself out there. When I come home from work, I'm not going to be coming home to an empty house with just my dog waiting for me. What's that going to be like on a hard day when I just don't want to talk to anyone?

As Kelly and I have talked honestly about our hopes and fears regarding marriage, I'm learning "I don't know" is becoming a pretty common answer.

The Bible says Kelly is to submit to me as her husband. And yet a part of our relationship that is so key is her uniqueness and individuality. What does it look like for me to be the leader of the home and yet for her to still have her autonomy and uniqueness? How do we help each other grow in Christ, yet in a capacity where I'm meeting her spiritual needs yet she's still teaching me and helping me grow? At what point do we compromise and at what point do I have to be a decision maker?

I don't know.

Kelly and I are both working professionals. How are we going to balance both of our jobs with keeping a house clean, putting food on a table and how are we going to divide up chores?

I don't know.

What's going to happen on those days or nights when one of us is so stressed out with work, school or family issues that we want to be alone with our thoughts? How do we balance that need for seclusion without shutting each other out and still meeting the needs the other may have for companionship in those moments?

I don't know.

What is this marriage going to look like? How are our schedules going to change? What's it going to be like to go from seeing each other on the weekends and once during the week to seeing each other ever day, sleeping next to each other, seeing the other one first thing in the morning when we smell bad and look our worst? How's Kelly going to react to my snoring? How am I going to react to whatever weird habit she may bring with her into this marriage? Will we watch Conan or The Daily Show before bed? How do we know when and if it's time for us to start thinking about kids?

I can understand why some guys panic when they start thinking about marriage. As men, we're supposed to have answers and be ready with plans. And while I know the majority of those questions above are silly or that there are practical answers that will figure themselves out as we move closer to marriage, the truth is that there's still a humility in saying "I don't know."

But to be honest, there's an excitement about it to.

The monotony of the single life is getting old. Right now, there's too much "I know" going on in my life. I know what a typical night at home holds for me. I know what my bills look like, when I should head to bed and what, exactly, I'm going to leave the grocery store with. I've been doign this a bit too long and, to be honest, I'm getting sick of just having myself for company.

But as I stand here, less than five months away from marriage, I feel not like a man overwhelmed by the unpredictable but like one embarking on an adventure. I'm excited. I don't know what the future is going to hold for Kelly and I or exactly how marriage is going to work or what it's going to look like. But while "I Don't Know" will be a common answer for awhile, "I love you" will be the fuel that sustains us was we learn those answers.

And more importantly, are three other words: "God knows all." We're not embarking on this adventure alone, but entwined with our Savior who brought us together and is going to guide us as we head out on the journey.

--CW